If You're Watching This
by Thanfiction
Summary: Oddly enough, it's the first time Dean's filmed something like this. But things have changed, and there's stuff that needs saying.


_Weird, in my line of work, that I've never done one of these before. Never had a reason to, I guess. I mean, what would it even - it was me and Dad and Sammy and whoever was left standing - if anyone - was just figured to take whatever was left…but yeah, a lot's changed, and I was thinking about the one Kevin did, so here I am, and it's three am and I'm buzzed and morbid and if you're watching this, I didn't come to my senses and delete it in the morning. And, uh, I'm some kind of dead where nobody can find the reset button this time. Or at least that you've been smart enough not to push it if it means soul selling or starting the apocalypse again or shit like that. _

_You've also probably seen by now that I'm planning to put names on these things. Not trying to be a dick or anything, but Charlie's gonna appreciate the vintage girlie mags more than you OR Sam, and there's some other things that I don't want him to have, and I'll be explaining it to him too but…I want him out. He tried to give me my walking papers when he threw himself in the pit, but it's right for him in a way it never was for me, and I don't want him to feel like I'm putting pressure on him to keep hunting now that I'm gone. _

_So this is for you, Cas. She was Dad's. Colt M1911 .45. Designed by John Moses Browning, regulation for the US Marine Corps in Vietnam, custom chrome filigree and pearl grips by Springfield Armory, she'll have your back as long as you take care of her. Forty years and she's never jammed or misfired. She's not quite angel mojo, but she's as close as you're gonna get while you're still running juicy. _

_Take your pick of anything else I've got that'll gank shit, while you're at it. I know you've got your own scores to settle, and I know I have no right to say any of this, but…just be careful, Cas, ok? I don't know how I'm going out yet, but whatever happened, you gotta promise me that you won't try to avenge me. If there's one thing I've learned the ugly way in this fucked-up bloody life of mine, it's that vengance isn't worth it. It doesn't bring the dead back, it doesn't fix the living, it just makes all the shit go on and on and on and take out more and more in its wake. Let it go. Please. _

_Keep hunting because it's in your blood the way it's in mine, and I get that, I do. You're picking up the family business, and I've said it before; you're family. We're blood and then some. We're…yeah. I know how it feels when you get one of those sons of bitches and it's…fuck it, it's RIGHTEOUS. The good guys win, somebody goes home tonight, and you know this is what you DO, and you're one of the best, Cas. Wish we could have worked it longer, because you're gonna be a legend. Well, again, I guess. _

_But if that changes…if you meet someone and you want to settle down like Sammy, if you catch yourself hunting to make the monsters hurt instead of saving other people from hurting or if you can't deal with the ones you can't save, if it's something you're forcing yourself to do or you're doing it for me or Heaven or God or Sam or anything but…nevermind. You're too much like me; if it gets there, you won't listen to this shit anyway. Try to remember you're mortal now, and if you can't, I suppose I'll see you soon. _

_And, uh, fuck. I suck at this. Ok. Um…I feel like I should…I don't know. I just…maybe I should…yeah. I…Cas, I'm giving you Baby, too. I don't know if Sam's gonna stay with the Men of Letters, who he's gonna meet, how he's gonna do civilian, whether the Bunker will stay a safe place or get found or anything else, but I want you to always have a home, ok? She'll love you, Cas. Unconditional. She'll protect you and forgive you everything and be there no matter what you need from her, but you treat her like she's worth it. Learn how to love her and keep her up and fix her when she's hurt, and just use certified classic GM mechanics and practice on junkers until you're really, really sure, ok? _

_And you fucking take care of Sam. I know, I know. He's a big boy. He can take care of himself and he's gonna be getting out and blah blah. Watch his ass. This life likes to track you down and call in old debts, and I want you to keep the creditors away from him and his kids and his dogs, because you know he'll have goddamned dogs and the yard and all of it. I don't care what he says, you run a stakeout on their six month birthday, every single one of them, and again when they turn 18 and any other time you feel itchy about it. I trust you, Cas. Sometimes I haven't understood why, because you've fucked up pretty good even on the kind of curve I grade MYSELF on, but you've always been one of the good guys, whatever other shit you've had going on. You're better than all of us. _

_Stay good. Stay good and stay strong and stay brave and stupid and have your helping people thing and try a burger at somewhere that makes you wear a tie the right way around someday and watch your shitty TV and your bees and stay all the things you've always been because you're a goddamned angel but you're the exception to all the rules and…and…and…I'll be waiting for you. _

_Because you'll get back to heaven, I'm sure of it. You deserve it more than I do. You deserve it as much as you deserve a hell of a lot more than what I've given you in so many ways and all the shit that I'm too much of a fucking coward to say even now but please, for once, maybe you could try not being completely dense and if you're getting the drift, you're right, ok, exceptions are definitely your thing…and if you're not, maybe I'll finally grow some balls on the other side. _

_Because you're not just family, ok? You're more. You're a lot more. You have been for a long time. Maybe since the beginning. I've just been stupid and hung up and confused and scared I've got these issues - ok, so I've got fucking VOLUMES - and…I don't even know. I'll get so sure that you…but then there's something and I realize that for all the ways that we're so alike, we're not even the same species and it's sick and what the fuck is wrong with me because you're an ANGEL. But then…so I don't know. And I wish things had been different when I'd had the chance. Maybe someday they will be. _

_Take care of yourself, Cas. Please. I still need you. _


End file.
